The advice of Lord Gautama Buddha
By Dr. Ari Ubeysekara
The basket of the discourses (sutta pitaka) contains nearly 18,000 Discourses delivered by the Buddha to various audiences during the ministry of forty-five years. In the majority of the Discourses, the Buddha has dealt mainly with the spiritual matters that are helpful to the listeners to cultivate the Buddhist path of liberation from suffering that the Buddha had discovered during the process of his own enlightenment. However, in many of the Discourses, the Buddha has also dealt with non-spiritual worldly matters, that are of benefit to the listeners to live a wholesome and successful life both in the present life and in future lives.
Some of the worldly matters include topics such as how to live a wholesome and successful domestic life with loving kindness (mettā) and compassion (karunā) for all beings, wealth management, good governance, right livelihood, one’s duties to various people that one is connected to and to the society in general, etc. Another significant topic that the Buddha has discussed is friendship, both spiritual friendship and ordinary friendship.
Spiritual friend (kalyāna mitta)
In Dīghajānu (vyaggapajja) sutta of the Anguttara Nikāya (collection of the Buddha’s numerical discourses), the Buddha has defined spiritual friendship as follows,
“And what is meant by admirable friendship? There is the case where a lay person, in whatever town or village he may dwell, spends time with householders or householders’ sons, young or old, who are advanced in virtue. He talks with them, engages them in discussions. He emulates perfect conviction in those who are perfect in conviction, perfect virtue in those who are perfect in virtue, perfect generosity in those who are perfect in generosity, and perfect wisdom in those who are perfect in wisdom. This is called admirable friendship” (4)
So, a spiritual friend is one who possesses the positive qualities of faith (saddhā), morality (sīla), generosity (cāga) and wisdom (paññā) and encourages and supports others also to develop those qualities.
Ordinary friend
A friendship can be described as a dyadic relationship between two people known to each other. It is a relationship stronger than an acquaintance or an associate in certain circumstances such as colleagues, neighbours, classmates etc. A friendship is formed between two people through their choice based on factors such as reciprocal affection, enjoying each other’s company, admiring each other’s qualities, having common interests and activities, mutual respect and understanding, and mutual trust. Friends are able to value each other’s opinions and advice and provide a positive and supportive role to each other. True friendship is an egalitarian relationship in which each individual of the relationship has the same amount of power or authority neither trying to dominate or undermine the other. Friendship makes life more enjoyable and enriches one’s everyday experiences. True and lasting friendships can provide many mental, social and emotional benefits to the people involved throughout a person’s life span whether in one’s childhood, adolescence or adult life. So, it is extremely important that one chooses the right kind of people in forming a close and lasting friendly relationship with another person.
How to truly know a person
In Thānnāi sutta of the Anguttara Nikāya, the Buddha has described four ways in which the traits of another person can be discovered.
“It is by living with a person, that a person’s virtue may be known, but only after a long period of time, not after a short period of time; only by one who is attentive, not by one who is inattentive; and only by the wise, not by the witless.”
“It is by dealing with a person, that a person’s purity may be known, but only after a long period of time, not after a short period of time; only by one who is attentive, not by one who is inattentive; and only by the wise, not by the witless.”
“It is through diversity, that a person’s resilience may be known, but only after a long period of time, not after a short period of time; only by one who is attentive, not by one who is inattentive; and only by the wise, not by the witless.”
“It is by discussion, that a person’s wisdom may be known, but only after a long period of time, not after a short period of time; only by one who is attentive, not by one who is inattentive; and only by the wise, not by the witless.” (5)
As can be seen, the Buddha’s advice is that one can understand another person’s qualities only after a long time, not after a short time; by one who is attentive, not by one inattentive; by the wise, not by a mentally weak person.
A true friend
In Mitta sutta of the Anguttara Nikāya, the Buddha has described seven qualities of a true hearted friend.
- He gives what is hard to give
- He sacrifices what is hard to sacrifice
- He does what is hard to do
- He reveals his secrets to you
- He keeps your secrets
- When misfortune strikes, he does not abandon you
- When you are down and out, he does not look down on you
True and fake friend
In Sigālovāda sutta of the Dīgha Nikāya (collection of the Buddha’s long discourses), while giving a discourse to a brahmin youth named Sigāla, the Buddha has described several qualities based on which one should be able to differentiate a true friend from a fake friend.
The following four individuals should be recognised as fake friends or enemies in the guise of friends:
1. One who appropriates a friend’s possessions
2. One who renders lip-service
3. One who flatters
4. One who brings ruin
The following four individuals should be recognised as true-hearted friends:
1. One who is a helpmate
2. One who is the same in joy and sorrow
3. One who gives good counsel
4. One who is caring
A true friendship makes life more enjoyable and enriches everyday experiences for both individuals in the friendly relationship. Lasting true friendships can provide many mental, social and emotional benefits to the people involved. While a true friend can bring comfort, joy and support to one’s life, a fake friend can leave most people feeling drained, unsupported, emotionally hurt, angry, resentful, insecure and betrayed. Hence, it is extremely important that one is able to differentiate a true hearted friend from a fake friend or an enemy in disguise as a friend. The advice given by Lord Gautama Buddha in Thānāni sutta, Mitta sutta as well as in Sigālovāda sutta discussed above, should greatly help one in that difficult task.
Source : https://drarisworld.wordpress.com/2025/09/10/how-to-know-a-true-friend-and-a-fake-friend/
About the Writer : Dr Ari Ubeyasekara was a Buddhist chaplain with Cardiff University which offers spiritual support to all members of the University. He also gave lectures to the students of MA second year in Lumbini Buddhist University as a Guest Lecturer.
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